Notes from an old journal

Today I was searching for something in my office and I came across an old journal entry from the Summer of 2008. It spoke to me again. I decided to share...

You are enough for me. I trust. I stand on the precipe of change. Voices everywhere whisper words of threat. Every step seems loaded with trepidation. I'm looking, listening for you. I find it hard to come to the edge of the precipe and stand still. I hear you say free fall. I lean into the wind and just fall. If you slay me, still I will praise you. I'm falling. Changing places. Moving into postion. Trusting. Afraid, but trusting. Persecuted, but not held back. As I fall, I begin to smile. What was fearful is now restful. I wait. You will do what you will do. Mercy on whom you will have mercy. All things together for my good? Okay. Since you say so. Nothing is impossible for you. Even disappointment will work for my good. I bow down in the moment of pressure and molding. I trust you.

He is faithful and we can trust him! Hope you will lean into the wind with me and just free fall. What was fearful is now restful!

Love,
Jan

Transition feels like this to me.

I’m on a path and I can see a destination in front of me. Everything in me is passionate to touch that destination. I am running and working with it in mind. I think the best and shortest path to that destination is a straight line. As I’m furiously pursuing the destination, suddenly I am sucked into a black hole. It’s as if I fell off the path into a place I can’t identify and I am free falling.

This place is so scary. It’s hard to navigate. I have no control. I can’t see and danger lurks everywhere. My arms and legs are out of control, I'm grasping for something to hold on to. No relief comes. I experience disorientation, disappointment, disillusionment and a sense of abandonment.

Many voices are speaking – not only the enemy, but even my own flesh. My ears grow more sensitive as my other senses are dulled. God’s voice is hard to hear. I catch a whisper here and there. My own self determination is slowly destroyed and I experience tremendous grief. I cry over the loss of my expectations to arrive at a destination I thought was in my grasp.

I accept the transition. Once I cease resisting, I begin to relax. Slowly I silence the enemy’s voice. Now I work on silencing my own flesh. I pray for understanding and breakthrough. I rest in the free fall. The hole is still dark, the grief is still real, but acceptance of the situation begins to come. In this position, I hear more clearly and I wait.

The black hole remains for an undetermined amount of time and holds many perils. When the testing is finally complete, God brings me out on the other side. I experience light and a sense of gravity. An uprightness returns to your body, soul and spirit. More disorientation, but now a sense of relief.

I am released to a new place, a new path. It is a path that I could not see before nor reach through any natural effort of my own. Now I begin again.